I’m excited about today. One, I’m going to church with a desire to. Which is seldom the case. Redeemer (Anglican) in Nashville, just down the street from us, is having a guest speaker, Claude Atcho, author of Reading Black Books (such as, Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man and Richard Wright's Native Son, Zora Neale Hurston's Moses, Man of the Mountain and James Baldwin's Go Tell It on the Mountain). Two, I’ll be watching and rooting for the Kansas City Chiefs, mid-afternoon. Three, another evening event with Claude. And four, I just said no to something, again.
Saying no is my thing.
More truthfully, it’s a thing I’m learning to do.
Daughter-in-law Ruby told me a few days ago that my name was suggested for our local NARAS Board of Directors (Grammys). Did I want this or should she tell them no thanks? I’ve served on various committees for 25+ years here in Nashville and out in LA. I respectfully considered it and prayed. Immediately I knew it was not meant to be. I’ve put my time in— effectively given my whole life to the making of music and its industry. This is a new time.
In the book that Andi and I are publishing next year, I recently wrote about how this new time requires a new approach to life. One that includes saying no, allowing myself to fail, to be embarrassed, and potentially misunderstood. I am not the same person I was twenty years ago. Seven years ago.
Having this neurological disorder (central sensitization) has reconfigured priorities. I’ve adjusted to being weak and unreliable. Ten years ago I could never conceive of such a thing. Today, it is pure freedom, and a slice of good health pie that exists in spite of the headache and other neurological symptoms, like internal trembling. I smile at the recent memory of telling a neighbor that I was no longer trustworthy—that I might say I would do something for the neighborhood HOA and then back out, and basically fail. I’m not sure she believed what I was telling her. It’s difficult for me to comprehend too, that I would tell someone, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this”, and then go take a nap and not be worried about their opinion of me. Being limited has somehow opened up a new world of seemingly limitless possibilities (even if I’m the only one experiencing them).
The greatest outcome of this new time is the revitalization of our marriage and a renewed commitment to family—specifically, a presence I could not have mentally or physically in my past life as an over-achieving yes man.
Then the irony of it all, is that I’m imagining and creating more than I ever have. This is my Van Gogh-ish, extraordinarily productive period. Though I hope to keep living with both ears intact.
Prediction: Chiefs over the Bengals. 31-29
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Thank you for your honesty! As a fan since your “Lie Down” album, I’ve added you to my daily prayer list. Praying for joy and discovery through this season. Thank you for ALL your years of music!
Thanks for sharing your journey. I found it encouraging. I’m also on a journey with a neuro condition “Not Otherwise Specified” that’s forced some changes in saying ‘no’. As one of my guitar heroes, Peter Frampton termed his own chronic-condition journey, “it’s not life-threatening, but it is life-changing”. I look forward to learning with you.